...Is what I'd like to be able to say one day
You ask, what is Nirvana? I heard it in a song and thought it was just a dope place in America until someone asked me this week and I had to google it. Nirvana is happiness, heaven, peace. Have you found your Nirvana?
I don't wanna break
I know what to do to get there. I know what habits, thoughts and activities have to be cut out and those that need to replace them, to arrive there. But they look boring, and what I want looks awesome. I have to surrender my life to God and I used to think it was as simple as knowing a lot of Psalms or uttering a simple prayer each morning, but each day I see something in myself that shows me I'm in the other camp. I thought I was...okay, doing just what I needed to get into the pearly gates, doing what I was taught to do unlike other heathens that wandered around in church. But my life is no where near surrender and my heart is no better than theirs. Yet the more I think about what I have to change, the more scary and tedious the journey looks. I DON'T WANNA BREAK. But I'm really, really unhappy the way I am, and I haven't been for a long time. However, my ways are so entrenched that to get where I want to be requires supernatural intervention, which I don't think is fair. "Dear God, do this for me, do that for me, but I'm only gonna holler when I need you". Naaah, that's not me. Be real, be honest and
Pick a camp bro
The way I would look dooown on people that'd be out the night before and roll up in church the next morning or not at all because they were too hungover. That was until I did it myself, not out per se, that's too much, but we'd be intimate, then rush to the 10am service the next morning. Where the speaker is talking about do this, don't do that, and I'd be rolling my eyes in my head. It's gotten to the point where my mind almost despises what I'm supposed to hear because it contradicts what I want for my life. I don't want boundaries, I want to do what I want. Yet the people that I see who live inside the boundaries God set (but so do those who live outside them) and don't do what they want, look sooo happy, and I see them change for the better, and I want that too, but not at the expense of my freedom. I know Jesus died to save our sins and thats the biggest sacrifice of all, so I should be willing to do everything for him, but I didn't ask him to do that. It's like someone buying you a house without you asking, then expecting that you should work in theirs, 24/7, for the rest of your life. I hear people say 'we're just vessels and God fills himself in us, so his will is lived out in our lives" and "Our purpose is to serve and glorify God". Then what am I here for then, either to choose to live for God or the devil? That's really not fair, it feels as though we were created to prove a point. God knows everything that's going to happen, he knew that there would be spiritual warfare, but he continued with everything, to prove a point to the devil and the rest of the universe. Once that point is proved, those who didn't follow him burn up. I don't wanna be caught up in their huge fight and ego contest. At the same time
This life isn't what my heart expected
The the Devils world is absolutely awful. I still get shocked at things that happen day to day, it's clear that he's no good, being in his world without protection is self destructive. I went out on New Years and had a banging night. I thought, this, I'll do more often. Party, dance and maybe start drinking. I got back to uni expecting the same thing, but the thrill wasn't the same. I felt insecure, like a piece of meat that got rejected whilst some of my friends were grinding up against some guys that had chosen them for their slim looks, height or batty. Though there was only one person I wanted to give my body to, and I hate that style of dancing, I felt uneasy. Then I saw a man shoot down from the stage so quick, as though he was flying. He looked like he was possessed. Following this was 10 minutes of snapchats, circles, gossip until the club parted like the red sea and two guys were grappling each other. One was super aggressive and it's almost like I saw demons in him. At one point he was 5 cm away from me but luckily security had a firm grip on him but I thought he would attempt to strangle me because I'm God's child, or am I anymore? The point is that If I completely change to the evil camp, I may find it very miserable. I don't wanna be that auntie returning to church with 5 babies all from different fathers and no money saying how grateful I am that I found God again. Or I don't want to end up being human trafficked because God's protection was no longer around me. Death is easy, there are worse things that can be prevented if I make the good choice now. Lucky some though,
Ignorance is bliss
All I know is I wish I didn't know right from wrong. I wish I didn't know the truth, and came into it , rather than having it throughout my whole life and wanting to leave but being too afraid. Ignorance truly is bliss. Once you know, you are accountable.
INCONCLUSIVE.
