Ying and Yang

I loved myself today
Because I was beautiful
So I held my head high
And tried to forget the meaningful
But a tear came to my eye as I cried out to God
What's so wrong with me? 
When did I become so blind that I couldn't see?
How did I lose myself in this sea of artificial waves
The haze is becoming unbearable

Stuck in constant predicaments
So I know, this ain't heaven sent
Mama said that God doesn't do confusion
Or create illusions
Like the enemy chooses 
Deuces, peace is all I want more
Than the terror that lures at my door

Dear God, hello it's me, God
I know it's been a few years
Of fear cutting off my bloodline to you
My vines have withered, my leaves fell of 
Now I'm as dry and as naked as an unused cloth

Sin took me on a hella of ride
But I grew weary of it, cautious of the tide that used to once embrace me
Sooo now I'm ultra embarrassed
I don't know where to hide
How do I return to you when I cheated with him? 
Why would you ever take my in?
Is it true that your love in  unconditional? 
Cos...I'm slightly cynical, of those claims

It's incomprehensible that a quintessential deity
Would ever lay down his life
Just for me

But the more I think about it, the more I guess I understand
It's like when your parents used to hold your hand when crossing the road
Cos the thought of losing you to a bus or a truck was all to much
Or when your bestie always had your back
She never wanted you to slack

It's like

Love, but the purest form
From the one who made all the wonderful parts of me

My Daughter...You asked me about Love

My beautiful daughter
How precious you are
How you are the star of your Father and I's heart
I love you like my parents love me
Unconditional and everlasting

Because of this, I have some advice for you
So you will not make the same mistakes as I did
I am aged 20 now
And the year has just turned to 2017
It is the 3rd day
And I am currently in a bit of pain.

If I have decided to have you, it means I have found the right one to settle down with but it took a lot of breaking and growth to get to this point. Before I started dating your Father, I did some stupid things. His name I will not mention for protection purposes but here's what I learnt.

Please follow these guidelines:

1) Protect your soul. My mother told me that a soul is the essence of your being. Where your thoughts and emotions clash together and create you. It is the most important thing you have so guard it with your life. I hope you are born as cold hearted as me as it will make it much easier to guard. However, naivety can get in the way. When that special person approaches you one day, hide your heart as far away from your sleeve as possible. Keep a wall up until you're ready for him to break it down. You're smart because you are my child, so you will know when that is. Be careful what you feed your eyes with too. I invited some demons in my life through my teenage years that the devil used in this relationship to mess me up. My ex did the same. Now we have to fight them before they ruin us.

2) Wear a condom. Abstain from sexual ACTIVITY. Not only am I talking about his rocket entering your space centre but I mean don't let him touch your ass or titties, if he does, scream like the boy who screamed wolf. Once he has seen you naked and you him, you are vulnerable. You will be like Samson when his hair got cut off by Delilah. Born strong until your strength was stripped away. I was so so strong, but now I am weak, and I hate it because I am an independent woman. He will want it and convince you that you do too, but sweetheart going down this road only brings darkness. Your brain will release oxytocin meaning you are chemically bonded to him as well as emotionally. You will love him like people love drugs and you're not supposed to feel like that about anybody. You will try and get away then wonder why it's so difficult to forget him. It sounds romantic but it's stupid and unnatural and I don't want to see you hurt like that. Waiting a few years till your wedding night, is better than the opening your life up to such hurt. It may seem like a boring relationship but it is so worth it. At this moment I have scars that only the Lord can heal. Don't expect him to feel the same, men are wired differently. Don't be that girl, you're way too special.

3) Think before you do and speak. Set your boundaries and values before you let any man near you. If they violate any one of them, bat them away like a baseball player, as far away from you as possible. Don't feel bad, you owe them nothing and they will do no good for your life when they leave you or do something to force you to leave them. You are not perfect, but you need to be on equal yoking to avoid pain. Go through a strict interrogation process and if they do not pass, air their texts and calls or simply tell them you're not interested. Currently, I am feeling cold and savagery, so I am enjoying rejecting dates and requests to get to know me from boys who were just waiting for my ex to slip up. I am in pain and want to infect others with the same hurt that he did. It is not godly, but if you ever feel like that, just do it. You are most important, and you are responsible to take care of your heart, not other peoples. Moreover, if you find he is not for you, cut the chord sooner than later and make sure you mean it. Don't go crawling back like a woman who has been abused and won't leave someone who is no good.

4) If you think someone is for you, go for it sooner than later. You may have friends that you've known for most of the time you've been alive. If you like them, and they like you, go for it. Don't be swept away by random donnies that you don't know, who will ruin you and hinder your chances at being with the one you knew you were supposed to be with all along. If you've known them for this long, it is likely your Father and I approve.

5) Love yourself. You are beautiful, you are queen, you are the best thing that has ever happened to you.

I write feeling extremely salty, but I need to be brutally honest with you. Don't go looking for love when you don't need it. TV lies. Love is beautiful when it's done right, without pain and hostility. Life isn't fair, the quicker you know that, the easier it becomes.