How about forever?

I asked you about our future
You said yes

I asked if you could handle me
You said it's bless

I asked if you'd love me forever
You seemed impressed

You got down on one knee
I went to get my dress.

Daym.

I asked you to stay for a reason.
When you're around my heart never ceases to stop beating.
How can you be my entire inspiration?
How do I deal with this distinct revelation?
What pisses me off is I'm defeated

But it's cool
Because you don't know
You don't know how our simple conversations make love to my soul
And though I get peeved at the little things
What fails to make them sting
Is that I'm familiar
I can read you like the back of my hand
The way you sit, the way you stand
Disclose your inner most deliberations

And with a quick gaze at you
Your eyes reveal a maze
Which I get trapped in
Victim
Captive
Shit, I got distracted
Babe, sorry, what did you say?
I'll leave it actually, you'll tell me another day

Yet with each and every thing you say
I learn more
Unfortunately
Or fortunately
You're no robot
So as much as you have patterns and habits
You surprise me in every single way
From your selflessness which continues to manifest itself in the bedroom
To your intellect, which I wish you'd share with me more often
You not only turn on my body, from a single thought
You ignite my mind, through the knowledge you have taught

As Daughter once said in Medicine
You have a warm heart, you have a beautiful brain
And as time goes by, I realise you've left a stain on my heart
Burned a place in my farts😂
And for that you're truly special

I push you away because I want you
But I know I can't have you
So, how worth is it torturing myself?
When jealousy overcomes cos my flatmate gets catered to every night
It's kinda hard to fight feeling some type of way
You can hack it though
You're strong enough for the both of us
And I love us enough for the both of us
So let's stop fucking around and get to this place called trust

The more I become my mother
The more you become like my father
The more I discern that we're more compatible than I imagined
On paper, we should have never come together
But through it all
I'm glad you're my lover.

Another Hoe

Here she stands
Straight and alert
Back as erect as the buttons on her shirt

Look at
Her skin
Look! Really
Look further within the
DNA and molecules and melanin
That mould together to compose the
Layers of protection of her flesh and not
To mention the brokenness
Of her soul

Daym. She just another hoe.

We thought
She was different
Exuberating around her
A sweet ass innocence that
Made everyone want to be her
Friend or daughter in law or maybe
Something a
Little
Bit
More

Now she struts around
Shoulders down
Barely making a sound
Rarely lifting her head to smile
Because she's tired of being the nice girl
For a while
And where there was light
A darkness surrounds
The kind that lurks and spills over
If you get too close

Now she pumps
Herself with alcohol and pills trying
To mask the anxiety that she
Feels about her choices and maybe if she takes
Enough she'll be in luck and her thoughts of
Leaving this earth to rest will finally come true. Yet there's
No one, because she pushed them all away
Like a prodigal daughter

She hoped for the best, till life and love
Landed her in a fucked up mess, and stress
Has her hiding and paranoid that those she loves
Are lying about tit and tat, perhaps it wasn't that but
The feeling when she opened her legs...

Groan.
She grown. Right?
Not when she's been to the clinic 3 times
To cover their mistakes
His and hers
Hers and his
Who's fault was it?
Who cares?
What's important is there's lust in the air
And she can't help but crave his body 24/7
Because in those moments, she reaches mental heaven
She knows
She thinks
She might not be
Just another hoe

But she didn't give it up straight away
She made him work for the cookie
She made him wait to get lucky
But when he did, he could walk
He'd gotten what he wanted
So there's no other reason to sit around and talk
And when she pissed him off or felt attacked
He could just discard her
Though she's sure that's not what he was taught by his mother

But a man is a man
And no matter what
Though it took two to tango
She is just another conquest
In the worlds eyes
And though she can't seem to shake
The heavy ache of the thought of his past lovers
Though sometimes she wonders if he draws comparisons in his heart
Deep, deep down
She knows
There's love between them

She's not just another hoe.

Grown.

As you look out into the world
It's so big
It's so beautiful
Each place that you stand
Is holy land
As you brag about the way you can kick a ball
Climb a tree so tall
Run outside for a week
Better than any meek and smelly boy you know

You're a princess
In your best dress
Baby to hot pink
Glitter to sequin
Lip gloss popping
Eyes are locking as you sing on that stage
You don't scare from their stares
You embrace them
Never has the world been more your oyster

Your brain is a combination of the most intelligent chromosomes you know
The way you recite scripture
Beats Nicki Minaj's flow
And that's saying something
Little pumpkin
You can't wait to be thirteen
When suddenly your spirit so keen
Is no longer cool
And they drool at the skinny girl
Who's brain is a tool
Let alone eighteen
And they're eyes will be scanning your thighs
Or the size of your behind
My my

Sweetie pie
May you never know what it's like to not reach your potential
And cry at night
And die inside
As you imagine the better place you could have created
Had you not been busy getting elated
About Pretty Little Liars
Or the Youtube video of the girl who set herself on fire

Girl
Never let anyone extinguish your blaze
I want to see them sit back and amaze at the way disallowed anything to distract you from your gaze
Eyes on the prize
Soon your little mind will be producing theories and contributing to the world of knowledge in a way your
Mother never could
Your Nana never could
Nor Great Grandfather
May your enlightenment satisfy you
May your light act as a guide for you
May you never question if you are loved
May you always find a hug

I really do love you.

// I've found my Nirvana, I don't wanna lose it again //

...Is what I'd like to be able to say one day

You ask, what is Nirvana? I heard it in a song and thought it was just a dope place in America until someone asked me this week and I had to google it. Nirvana is happiness, heaven, peace. Have you found your Nirvana?

I don't wanna break
I know what to do to get there. I know what habits, thoughts and activities have to be cut out and those that need to replace them, to arrive there. But they look boring, and what I want looks awesome. I have to surrender my life to God and I used to think it was as simple as knowing a lot of Psalms or uttering a simple prayer each morning, but each day I see something in myself that shows me I'm in the other camp. I thought I was...okay, doing just what I needed to get into the pearly gates, doing what I was taught to do unlike other heathens that wandered around in church. But my life is no where near surrender and my heart is no better than theirs. Yet the more I think about what I have to change, the more scary and tedious the journey looks. I DON'T WANNA BREAK. But I'm really, really unhappy the way I am, and I haven't been for a long time. However, my ways are so entrenched that to get where I want to be requires supernatural intervention, which I don't think is fair. "Dear God, do this for me, do that for me, but I'm only gonna holler when I need you". Naaah, that's not me. Be real, be honest and

Pick a camp bro
The way I would look dooown on people that'd be out the night before and roll up in church the next morning or not at all because they were too hungover. That was until I did it myself, not out per se, that's too much, but we'd be intimate, then rush to the 10am service the next morning. Where the speaker is talking about do this, don't do that, and I'd be rolling my eyes in my head. It's gotten to the point where my mind almost despises what I'm supposed to hear because it contradicts what I want for my life. I don't want boundaries, I want to do what I want. Yet the people that I see who live inside the boundaries God set (but so do those who live outside them) and don't do what they want, look sooo happy, and I see them change for the better, and I want that too, but not at the expense of my freedom. I know Jesus died to save our sins and thats the biggest sacrifice of all, so I should be willing to do everything for him, but I didn't ask him to do that. It's like someone buying you a house without you asking, then expecting that you should work in theirs, 24/7, for the rest of your life. I hear people say 'we're just vessels and God fills himself in us, so his will is lived out in our lives" and "Our purpose is to serve and glorify God". Then what am I here for then, either to choose to live for God or the devil? That's really not fair, it feels as though we were created to prove a point. God knows everything that's going to happen, he knew that there would be spiritual warfare, but he continued with everything, to prove a point to the devil and the rest of the universe. Once that point is proved, those who didn't follow him burn up. I don't wanna be caught up in their huge fight and ego contest. At the same time

This life isn't what my heart expected
The the Devils world is absolutely awful. I still get shocked at things that happen day to day, it's clear that he's no good, being in his world without protection is self destructive. I went out on New Years and had a banging night. I thought, this, I'll do more often. Party, dance and maybe start drinking. I got back to uni expecting the same thing, but the thrill wasn't the same. I felt insecure, like a piece of meat that got rejected whilst some of my friends were grinding up against some guys that had chosen them for their slim looks, height or batty. Though there was only one person I wanted to give my body to, and I hate that style of dancing, I felt uneasy. Then I saw a man shoot down from the stage so quick, as though he was flying. He looked like he was possessed. Following this was 10 minutes of snapchats, circles, gossip until the club parted like the red sea and two guys were grappling each other. One was super aggressive and it's almost like I saw demons in him. At one point he was 5 cm away from me but luckily security had a firm grip on him but I thought he would attempt to strangle me because I'm God's child, or am I anymore? The point is that If I completely change to the evil camp, I may find it very miserable. I don't wanna be that auntie returning to church with 5 babies all from different fathers and no money saying how grateful I am that I found God again. Or I don't want to end up being human trafficked because God's protection was no longer around me. Death is easy, there are worse things that can be prevented if I make the good choice now. Lucky some though,

Ignorance is bliss
All I know is I wish I didn't know right from wrong. I wish I didn't know the truth, and came into it , rather than having it throughout my whole life and wanting to leave but being too afraid. Ignorance truly is bliss. Once you know, you are accountable.

INCONCLUSIVE.

Ying and Yang

I loved myself today
Because I was beautiful
So I held my head high
And tried to forget the meaningful
But a tear came to my eye as I cried out to God
What's so wrong with me? 
When did I become so blind that I couldn't see?
How did I lose myself in this sea of artificial waves
The haze is becoming unbearable

Stuck in constant predicaments
So I know, this ain't heaven sent
Mama said that God doesn't do confusion
Or create illusions
Like the enemy chooses 
Deuces, peace is all I want more
Than the terror that lures at my door

Dear God, hello it's me, God
I know it's been a few years
Of fear cutting off my bloodline to you
My vines have withered, my leaves fell of 
Now I'm as dry and as naked as an unused cloth

Sin took me on a hella of ride
But I grew weary of it, cautious of the tide that used to once embrace me
Sooo now I'm ultra embarrassed
I don't know where to hide
How do I return to you when I cheated with him? 
Why would you ever take my in?
Is it true that your love in  unconditional? 
Cos...I'm slightly cynical, of those claims

It's incomprehensible that a quintessential deity
Would ever lay down his life
Just for me

But the more I think about it, the more I guess I understand
It's like when your parents used to hold your hand when crossing the road
Cos the thought of losing you to a bus or a truck was all to much
Or when your bestie always had your back
She never wanted you to slack

It's like

Love, but the purest form
From the one who made all the wonderful parts of me

My Daughter...You asked me about Love

My beautiful daughter
How precious you are
How you are the star of your Father and I's heart
I love you like my parents love me
Unconditional and everlasting

Because of this, I have some advice for you
So you will not make the same mistakes as I did
I am aged 20 now
And the year has just turned to 2017
It is the 3rd day
And I am currently in a bit of pain.

If I have decided to have you, it means I have found the right one to settle down with but it took a lot of breaking and growth to get to this point. Before I started dating your Father, I did some stupid things. His name I will not mention for protection purposes but here's what I learnt.

Please follow these guidelines:

1) Protect your soul. My mother told me that a soul is the essence of your being. Where your thoughts and emotions clash together and create you. It is the most important thing you have so guard it with your life. I hope you are born as cold hearted as me as it will make it much easier to guard. However, naivety can get in the way. When that special person approaches you one day, hide your heart as far away from your sleeve as possible. Keep a wall up until you're ready for him to break it down. You're smart because you are my child, so you will know when that is. Be careful what you feed your eyes with too. I invited some demons in my life through my teenage years that the devil used in this relationship to mess me up. My ex did the same. Now we have to fight them before they ruin us.

2) Wear a condom. Abstain from sexual ACTIVITY. Not only am I talking about his rocket entering your space centre but I mean don't let him touch your ass or titties, if he does, scream like the boy who screamed wolf. Once he has seen you naked and you him, you are vulnerable. You will be like Samson when his hair got cut off by Delilah. Born strong until your strength was stripped away. I was so so strong, but now I am weak, and I hate it because I am an independent woman. He will want it and convince you that you do too, but sweetheart going down this road only brings darkness. Your brain will release oxytocin meaning you are chemically bonded to him as well as emotionally. You will love him like people love drugs and you're not supposed to feel like that about anybody. You will try and get away then wonder why it's so difficult to forget him. It sounds romantic but it's stupid and unnatural and I don't want to see you hurt like that. Waiting a few years till your wedding night, is better than the opening your life up to such hurt. It may seem like a boring relationship but it is so worth it. At this moment I have scars that only the Lord can heal. Don't expect him to feel the same, men are wired differently. Don't be that girl, you're way too special.

3) Think before you do and speak. Set your boundaries and values before you let any man near you. If they violate any one of them, bat them away like a baseball player, as far away from you as possible. Don't feel bad, you owe them nothing and they will do no good for your life when they leave you or do something to force you to leave them. You are not perfect, but you need to be on equal yoking to avoid pain. Go through a strict interrogation process and if they do not pass, air their texts and calls or simply tell them you're not interested. Currently, I am feeling cold and savagery, so I am enjoying rejecting dates and requests to get to know me from boys who were just waiting for my ex to slip up. I am in pain and want to infect others with the same hurt that he did. It is not godly, but if you ever feel like that, just do it. You are most important, and you are responsible to take care of your heart, not other peoples. Moreover, if you find he is not for you, cut the chord sooner than later and make sure you mean it. Don't go crawling back like a woman who has been abused and won't leave someone who is no good.

4) If you think someone is for you, go for it sooner than later. You may have friends that you've known for most of the time you've been alive. If you like them, and they like you, go for it. Don't be swept away by random donnies that you don't know, who will ruin you and hinder your chances at being with the one you knew you were supposed to be with all along. If you've known them for this long, it is likely your Father and I approve.

5) Love yourself. You are beautiful, you are queen, you are the best thing that has ever happened to you.

I write feeling extremely salty, but I need to be brutally honest with you. Don't go looking for love when you don't need it. TV lies. Love is beautiful when it's done right, without pain and hostility. Life isn't fair, the quicker you know that, the easier it becomes.